Isn't it their turn to pick up the check?

Money is great, if only it didn't get all tangled up with relatives. And friends. And kids. Our money & ethics advisers take your questions in their new book.
By Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz, Money Magazine contributors

Sticky situations
Which would you rather have: a bad case of the flu or a relative ask you for a large loan? We asked this question of over 800 people in a national survey and more than two-thirds of them said: I'll take the flu.
This is a book about what to do when you can't choose the flu. Consider it a handbook for the awkward moments and uncomfortable situations that the intersection of money and personal relationships so often gives rise to.
It's meant to give you enough ammunition - enough moral support - so that when money-and-relationship troubles darken your door, you won't feel like you'd rather have the flu.

When gifts come with strings
Question: My father, who was a very successful writer, died recently. According to his will, $2 million is to be placed in trust for his four grandchildren, two of whom are my sons.According to the terms of the trust, each grandchild will receive a quarter of the trust at age 25, provided he or she earned a college degree and never attended a private school or college. To me, this second restriction seems very unfair. My older son has a good chance of being admitted to an Ivy League college. As much as I loved my father, I don't see why Jon should pass up the opportunity to get that kind of education.So here's my plan: My sister and I are the trustees of the trust my father established, and she has two kids who have the potential to be admitted to good colleges as well. I think that she and I should make a pact to give each child their quarter of my father's estate when they turn 25 regardless of where they went to college. I know what I'm proposing is not completely aboveboard. But I think it's fairer than Dad's will, and my real concern is to do right by my children. What do you think?Answer: We think the $2 million was your father's to do with as he wished, not as you wish. To subvert his will as you propose would be dishonorable - doubly so since, in appointing you and your sister trustees, he counted on you to carry out his wishes. If you're not prepared to do so, you should resign as trustee. Not that we share your father's philosophy. But he's entitled to his opinion and entitled to have it reflected in his will.Still intent on subverting the trust? Then think of the lesson you'll be teaching your children if you go forward, namely: If a disagreeable hurdle stands before you in life, see if you can't sneak around it. Come on. You can do better than that.
Test your ethics: 1. If you lend your child money for a car on the condition he or she returns to law school...does he or she have to go?

Rich friend, poor friend
Question: A good friend of mine is in the process of taking over his father's real estate development business, which means he now has a great deal of money.Terry also has a 50-foot sailboat on which my wife and I frequently are guests - not just for the day, but often for the weekend and occasionally for a week-long cruise. Here's the problem: We make a decent living, but there is no way we can reciprocate this kind of hospitality. What should we do?Answer: Stop thinking you can't reciprocate. You certainly can. Your obligation is not to treat your friend to something of equal value, but to treat him to something he'll enjoy.Maybe that's a night at the opera, a day at a ball game or an afternoon at a spa. Whatever you know Terry would most enjoy. The point here is not that you need to match Terry's hospitality dollar for dollar. Rather, it's that the disparity in your resources doesn't free you from your obligation to entertain Terry as thoughtfully as he's been entertaining you.
Test your ethics: 2. Who are more ethical? a) rich people b) poor people c) there's no difference between them.

Should our will treat all our kids equally?
Question: My husband and I are having a disagreement over our wills. We have four children, and we'd always planned to divide our estate equally among them.But our son Kenneth has paid no attention to us for years. We get a card from him at Christmas and a phone call when he needs money. That's it. Our other three kids are a big part of our lives and help us out all the time. My husband wants to leave Kenneth out of our wills. I'm not so sure. While I feel terribly wounded by his behavior, he is our flesh and blood. What should we do?Answer: Our vote is to drop Kenneth. As you decide how much money to leave to each of your children, there's nothing wrong with taking into account how each of them has treated you. In fact, fairness to your three loving children requires that you not be blind to the love and loyalty they've shown you, as opposed to the contempt their brother has.Do see a lawyer, though, and make sure the language of your wills protects your estate from any claim Kenneth might try to make. From what you've said, he sounds like the kind of guy who'd be only too happy to take a final shot at squeezing a few bucks out of his mom and dad.
Test your ethics: 3. Agree or disagree? It is common for people to lie, cheat or fake affection in order to be in someone's will.

Paying for one's mistakes
Question: A friend borrows your sweater and spills red wine all over it, ruining it. The sweater was three years old, in good condition and still in style. What should your friend do?Answer: The answer lies not in figuring out the dollar value of the lost or damaged item but in assessing its value to you. In the case at hand, you lost a perfectly good sweater, so that's what the borrower needs to buy you - a new sweater of comparable quality to the one that was ruined.It makes no difference that you have already gotten three years of wear out of the sweater or that an insurance company might say that a sweater costing $100 three years ago is worth only $30 today. You lost a good sweater and $30 isn't going to replace it.If, however, you were about to donate that sweater to Goodwill, you should tell your friend not to worry about replacing it. But even then, your friend should still take you out to a nice lunch.
Test your ethics: 4. Agree or disagree? In most families there is always someone who borrows things and never returns them.

Friends as lenders, and the bank of quid pro quo
Question: Two months ago Spencer, a good friend from college who now makes lots of money on Wall Street, lent me $6,000, interest-free, so I could pay off my credit cards, repay some debts and generally get back on my feet financially. The loan has been a great help, and I am paying Spencer back at the rate of $250 a month.In the meantime, he has asked a big favor of me, namely to arrange an "information interview" for his new girlfriend with an editor at the magazine where I recently got a job in the art department. While I've met a couple of the editors, I don't really know them (and vice versa), and I'd prefer not to ask for this sort of favor - something I wouldn't hesitate to tell Spencer if I didn't owe him so much money. Does accepting the loan obligate me to do this for him? I feel like he's taking advantage of the fact that I owe him money.Answer: The great thing about borrowing money from a bank is that they write down everything they expect of you. Friends are a different story. In this case, you've put yourself in a position where Spencer is not wrong to expect a big favor from you, since that's what you accepted from him.What he can't expect, however, is for you to compromise yourself. Had he asked you to be a reference for a woman you scarcely know, he'd be crossing that line. But asking you to play a chip with your colleague is not unreasonable. After all, he's not requesting that you ask an editor to hire his girlfriend, just to talk to her. You owe him this favor, even if you'd prefer not to do it.
Test your ethics: 5. A friend is a month late repaying a $100 loan. Would you: a) do nothing. b) drop a hint. c) ask for the money.

^_^......?

The score

Here's how most Americans answered the questions.

1) Yes. Only 34 percent say their child would have no obligation to honor their request.

2) C. 70 percent believe there's no difference between rich and poor people when it comes to ethics.

3) Agree. 75 percent say it's common for people to lie, cheat or fake affection to stay in someone's will.

4) Agree. 73 percent believe most families have a relative who borrows things and never returns them.

5) C. 57 percent would ask for the $100 back.